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a (rather long) joke


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BarBaraPrz
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Joined: 16 Apr 2004
Posts: 420
Location: Hamilton, Ontario
a (rather long) joke     Reply with quote  
 
 
6:27 pm Aug 13, 2007

A Stitcher Goes to[That Hot Place]

Source Unknown, rewritten by Martha Beth Lewis
A stitcher was very naughty in this earthly life and didn't go to heaven. At the gates of Hades, she was met by the Devil. "Welcome," he said, smirking at her. "Let me show you around your eternal home."

Down dark, dank halls they went. From various doors came weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth, shrieks of agony, and all manner of terrifying sounds of torment.

At this point, the stitcher was getting pretty nervous.

"Here we are. Right throught that door," said Satan, making her push it open. She could scarely budge it, but, after pushing with all her strength (biceps from carrying home bags of stash and quads from sprinting around needlework stores gathering it), the door swung open, as if on oiled hinges. She thought, I'll bet he purposely made the door heavy. This did not portend well for her portion of eternal torment.

He led her to a large room that looked uncannily like a large needlework shop. The stitcher blinked her eyes, wondering if what she saw was an illusion. The most wonderful needlework shop she had ever seen was right before her. Still unbelieving, she asked, "Is this real?"

"Of course," murmured the Evil One. "Reach out and touch it."

The stitcher worried that she'd be zapped by 1000 volts, but she reached out anyway, unable to help herself. It -was- real! All of it!

"May I look around?" she asked excitedly, all the while thinking, This can't be Hell! This is too good!

"Of course," said the Devil. "This is your eternal reward."

The stitcher began to survey the particulars of her damnation. There was every chart ever published, including the ones that were out of print during her lifetime and the ones she could never find. There was a full run of each needlework magazine, including all the old ones with the historical examples - - and each issue was pristine! She continued to look with wonder. Every thread imaginable was there: silks and silk twists, cottons, metallics, pearl cottons, space-dyeds, rayons, rayon twists (Yes, maybe I -am- in Hell, she thought when she saw those!), blending filaments and braids and ribbons, furry threads, frond-y thread, tubular nylon, Japan thread, and every other specialty thread that had ever been created. Her eyes lit up when she saw the piles and piles of fabrics. There were bolts and bolts of every color and every type. An array of beautiful thimbles was hers for the choosing, as were scissors and clever needlework gadgets; all were organized just as she would have done it on earth, had she had such a glittering array.

And there, beside her favorite earthly stitching chair, were all her UFOs! Yes, she thought, you -can- take it with you! I have all the time I want now, and I'm going to finish them at last!

The stitcher's fingers were just itching to get going! She turned to Beelzebub and said, "This is -heaven-!!!"

"No," he rejoined. "This is Hell. Do you see any needles?"
stitcherfe
Member
Joined: 26 Nov 2006
Posts: 98
Location: London, Ontario, Canada
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8:39 pm Aug 13, 2007

Very good, Barb! Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Nancy
Fabala
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Joined: 09 Nov 2005
Posts: 134
Location: Atlanta, GA
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7:57 am Aug 14, 2007

I thought she was going to be pulling out incorrect stitches for eternity... but this was better!
sverzino
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Joined: 26 Oct 2006
Posts: 88
Location: St. Louis, MO
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9:15 am Aug 14, 2007

This is wonderful! Thanks for sharing!! Laughing
rifestitch
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Joined: 16 May 2005
Posts: 639
Location: North of Atlanta
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1:13 pm Aug 14, 2007

NNNOOOOO!!! Say it isn't so!!!!!!
Twisted Evil
Fabala
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Joined: 09 Nov 2005
Posts: 134
Location: Atlanta, GA
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6:37 pm Aug 15, 2007

I think this may have scared Rife into clean living...

.
.
.

... nah. Twisted Evil
Alanna
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Joined: 27 Aug 2006
Posts: 633
Location: Brisbane, Australia
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7:15 am Aug 16, 2007

Yes, I thought her fingers might have been missing or something!

It reminds me of this Chinese riddle:

Undecided as to how he should live his life, a poor man is granted the chance to visit both heaven and hell before he dies. First he is taken to hell. Here he sees groups of people seated around large round tables piled high with delicious fragrant food, bowls of fluffy rice, tantalising noodle soups, bright green steamed vegetables and piping hot fried wontons. The smells are delicious and the wine glasses are full. But the people are miserable and starving, for in their hands are 6-foot long chopsticks which make it impossible to get the delicious food into their mouths. This is truly horrible thought the poor man, well let's see heaven now. And yet, when he got to heaven, he saw the same scene: people seated around large tables piled with exquisite food and drink and each person equipped only with 6-foot long chopsticks. The only difference was that here in heaven the people were happy and contented, well-fed and laughing together. But how can this be, asked the poor man. Heaven and hell are just the same, how can these people be happy whilst those in hell are miserable?

Well, girls- have you got the answer?
BarBaraPrz
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Joined: 16 Apr 2004
Posts: 420
Location: Hamilton, Ontario
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7:23 am Aug 16, 2007

quote:
Originally posted by Alanna


Well, girls- have you got the answer?


In Heaven they have forks?
Fabala
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Joined: 09 Nov 2005
Posts: 134
Location: Atlanta, GA
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7:33 am Aug 16, 2007

In heaven - they fed each other... in hell, they could only think of feeding themselves, and thus starved.
Alanna
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Joined: 27 Aug 2006
Posts: 633
Location: Brisbane, Australia
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9:10 am Aug 16, 2007

quote:
Originally posted by Fabala
In heaven - they fed each other... in hell, they could only think of feeding themselves, and thus starved.



Bingo! Razz
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